During my pregnancy with Penelope Juliet, now two years old, I announced to our household of four children that there was a baby boy "out there" waiting for us but that he was not coming this time. I just knew I'd have another girl first. It was then we named our yet-to-be-conceived boy Sebastian, and had a sweet baby girl October of 2006.

We marveled at having five kids and enjoyed our children, all the while tossing around the idea of this other baby. We wavered back and forth on the issue. We were on a lovely vacation in Puerto Vallarta, Mexico when I made what felt like the most concrete decision of my life. I told my husband I was done having children, that we needed to focus on our five. I felt good about this decision, but not good for the child I already had welcomed into my heart. Overlooking the beautiful sandy beach and breathing ocean air, I told Sebastian I was sorry but he was going to have to find a new family to go to, perhaps he could be one of my children's children someday. I shed a tear, and wiped it away.

Back in the states, I began sculpting and painting pregnant mermaids and felt inspired to create and paint. I always unknowingly start to make art when I conceive my children. I did not catch on yet though. Two nights later I had a dream that I had a baby under the ocean like a mermaid, a baby boy, and I name him Sebastian.

I started to get suspicious, but two pregnancy tests said negative. The sudden ice cream and pickles cravings said different. After all, we knew well by now how I act when I'm newly pregnant! For another week I acted silly, joyful, absentminded, hungry, and clumsy before we finally got the positive test reading we were waiting for. Sebastian had come to us, I was certain.

I had another vibrant pregnancy and enjoyed the non-stop movements in my womb. I felt close to this child. And even though I knew he was a boy we all had fun wondering what if "he" was actually a she. What a surprise it would be!

Birth Day

As I approached the birth my good friends held a Mother Blessing ceremony for me. I was adorned with flowers, a pretty robe, gifts, and birth empowerment. I am given beautiful charms, pictures, drawings, and birth affirmations to hang up in my bed and bathroom. A beautiful mobile was made for me and it hangs over my bed watching over me each night. I have given birth many times, but this time I was tired just thinking about the work ahead of me. My friends brought my birth excitement and empowerment back. I became very ready to have my new baby.

On August 23, 2008 at 3:30 a.m. I felt that warm trickle of wetness through a dead of sleep, meaning my waters broke. I sat up and more waters came out. I woke my husband up to get a towel for me, it was quite a bit of fluids! It takes an hour for contractions to start rolling. I visualize opening. The sunflowers in the garden, circles, the sky, the universe. I embrace labor and I focus on opening. I twirl my finger in circles on my hand and sometimes on my mattress making a wider circle each time.

By 5:00 a.m. I want my husband to start me a hot shower. I let the water roll over my laboring body and I'm in heaven. My husband stays close and has me drink a little water. He notices immediately how relaxed the shower makes me. Contractions are like nothing when that water is beating down my body and the steam engulfs the bathroom. I check my cervix while standing a couple of times. I can feel it easily and the baby's head is locked in place. It's stretched tightly over part of the baby’s head. I think to myself, "Let's have this baby!" I visualize more opening. I tell myself I can have this baby very soon. I'll wait as long as I need to, but I know I'm opening fast and that I can continue to.

This is the first birth that I asked my husband to really be active labor support. I'm loving the attention. He was non-smothering, but right there with me. He reminds me sympathetically that we may run out of hot water soon and that if I want to save any he better run me a bath. I consent reluctantly leaving the shower like an old friend.

My husband held my arms, hands and face through waves of contractions. The bath is not as worthy as the shower but it will do. My lovely husband notices suddenly how close my contractions are. I hadn't realized it, but I did realize the severe intensity as pain builds like a fire. Fierce and uncontrollable the waves of contractions come. It's overpowering in a wonderful way. I surrender to it. I accept the love and support from my husband as he holds both my hands and I roar. The babies head descends and I am involuntarily pushing. It takes my breath away and I grunt and groan. I tell my husband it feels so good, I like that he's surprised that the noise coming from me now actually signifies that what is happening feels good. I get out of the tub and squat holding my husband’s hands. As I push my closed hands against my husband’s he counters back at my pressure and I love it. The baby is trying to crown, trying to find that perfect contraction out, but nothing much happens, just a lot of involuntary pushing through contractions. It feels so good to have that pushing feeling.

Finally I'm a little tired and my back hurts from squatting for so long so I lay down on my side on the top of soft towels laid all over the floor. I say I'm tired and I have one contraction in this position knowing fully well that I can't give birth on my side, the baby's head needs more room than that. I get back into my squat and I say how good the pushing feels again. Over and over with each wave I say, "It feels soooo good." The intensity builds and I just want to be done so at this point I say, "Okay baby we're going to make progress with this one." My husband held one of my hands and with the other hand I began to feel the crown of the baby. I finally pulled away from him because I needed both of my hands to counter the pressure of the crown and then to cradle our baby’s head. My husband rubs my back lovingly and I notice how wonderful it feels. The baby’s head is born slowly, and then his body flies onto the floor of soft towels. When I scooped him up I see we have a boy! He cried right away and kept his eyes closed for a long time peeking at us suspiciously for an hour or more. I get in the bathtub and the placenta is born.

Our other children are usually at my births watching quietly, but this time we left them sleeping. Upon his arrival our children soon awoke and joined us one at a time from youngest to oldest: our 22 month old, our 4 year old, our two 8 year old boys, and lastly our 11 year old daughter. Our home was once again filled with the excitement of birth, the normalcy of life, the power of love. The world anew, in wonder of such a new darling creature. We feel blessed and love them all like precious treasure.